What J.K. Rowling Doesn’t Want You To Know About Harry Potter
I have always been awed by the sheer popularity of the Harry Potter series of books and movies. And now, with the release of the Order of the Phoenix movie, and the Deathly Hallows book, my wonder has come to a climax. Why is Harry Potter so damn special? What does it have that the thousands of other fantasy books don’t? I will answer these questions, and more.
On the surface, this seems like a simple, easy to answer question. Most people will write it off as good writing, and great publicity. But, in my research, I’ve come across a much more sinister answer: the pages of Harry Potter books are laced with cocaine.
That’s right, the seemingly innocent works of J.K. Rowling are driving the drug addictions of people everywhere. Adults and children alike flock to book release after book release around the world, looking for their next fix.
This also explains what the Harry Potter books have that other fantasy books do not. For example: King Solomon’s Mines by H. Rider Haggard, which only sold 5 copies, was written in 1885, well before the popularization of cocaine. This proves, beyond any reasonable doubt, that cocaine is solely responsible for the Harry Potter books’ mass popularity.
Now that the reason has been deduced, what about the logistics? How does Rowling fund her drug distribution cartel? Surely the cost of the copious amounts of cocaine that would be required for such an endeavor would outweigh the profits made by book sales. This is what you would think, unless you were privy to the information I am about to tell you.
In addition to her other nefarious business relationships, Rowling has a closely-guarded association with a well-known Columbian drug and arms dealer by the name of Carlos Sanchez-Morales. By providing sexual favors, and child laborers (farmed at her “book signings”) Rowling is able to cut the cost of her cocaine supply down to a mere 10% of its street value.
The answer to this question was much harder to find, as the secrets of Hollywood are closely guarded. But, after employing the skills of world-renowned spy and assassin Sam Fisher, I found the information I needed.
Surprisingly, this answer was actually very simple. As it turns out, American movie-goers will see anything if it’s advertised enough. So, by using money generated by her many underground dog-fighting organizations, Rowling was able to fund the advertising necessary to turn so-so movies into summer blockbusters.
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