I Am Not A Blogger

Some of my more regular readers may have already picked up on this, but here it is anyway: I hate blogs. I hate bloggers, and all they stand for. So naturally, when I come across another website (or person) who calls me a blogger, I get offended. But, many people do not seem to know the difference between a blogger and a writer. So, in an effort to clarify this, I have written (not blogged) a few simple ways to tell if someone is a blogger.

They post more than one update a day.

 

As a writer, I post a new article once every day or two. I will occasionally post an article, and a picture or video. But, you will never see me post 3 articles in one day. Bloggers on the other hand tend to post between 3 and 20 updates a day. The more updates they post, the more full of themselves they are.

Nobody can possibly have enough interesting things to say to fill more than 2 posts a day. The people who somehow come up with enough words to do so are mostly giving an update every time they scratch their ass.

They post personal details about themselves.

 

Bloggers have an almost insatiable fascination with themselves. For one reason or another, they think people actually care what they ate for breakfast, and what funny thing their cat did. So, inevitably, they will post update after update informing the world of every task they accomplish, no matter how insignificant.

If you’ve ever seen a blog, and I’m positive you have, you know what I’m talking about. Most blogs even have a box at the top of the page informing anyone who cares (and no one does) what music the blogger is currently listening to, what “mood” they are in, and what they ate that day.

They have “friends” listed on their blog.

 

This is a feature of many “blog communites” such as Blogspot. It lets all the egocentric little bloggers measure their success by how many “friends” they have; “friends” being people who agreed to associate with each other, probably for the sake of a high friend count.

Does this remind you of anything? Like, say, high school? Yes, that’s right, the popularity contest has moved from the real world to the digital one. The domain that once belonged solely to the geek and the loner is now being overrun by jocks and cheerleaders; just like real life!

There will be a long list of comments below each post.

 

You can guarantee that if it’s a blog, there will be a nice long list of comments listed below each meaningless post. All of the blogger’s friends will have left these, for no other reason than – well, there isn’t a reason. The comments serve no useful purpose. For example, the following exchange is common on blogs:

My cat like totally smiled at me just now!

 

K, so I wuz like sittin here typing up my last up date, when my cat smiled! Im serios! She rilly did! She smiled rite at me! OMG! It was sooooooooooooo kute!

Comments:

 

From emokid96:

 

Nuh uh! No way! Catz cant smil!

From cryingpoet92:

 

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!1111!!! That so cut! I wish I had a kitty!!11!!!

From zerogspacecow:

 

I hate you, and your cat. I hope both of you die. Emokid96: go cut yourself. Cryingpoet92: go write a poem about the tragedy of Emokid96 cutting himself.

It will look exactly the same as every other blog.

All blogs are made from a select few templates, because potential bloggers can’t be bothered with menial tasks such as writing HTML. This means when the blogger sets up their blogging account, they choose from a few themes. These themes usually give you a choice between the following options: black, gray, blue, red, orange, yellow, pink, and purple.

This means virtually ever single blog on the internet looks exactly the same. They all have a semi-artistic picture at the top for a header; they are all fixed-width at 750 pixels, and centered on the page; they only have two sections: the front page where everything for the past year is displayed, and an archives page for everything older than that; and, they all have a navigation bar on the right-hand side, where their mood, friends, and favorite music is displayed.

My website does none of these things.

 

I do not post more than one article a day, I do not post details about my personal life, I do not mention any of my friends (real life or online), I do not allow comments below each of my articles (there is a forum for that), and I designed my website 100% from scratch. So, please, don’t ever call my website a blog.

Oh, and I’m currently listening to The Police – Roxanne, I’m feeling perturbed, and I ate a cow for dinner.

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