IRLWLTI (If Real Life Were Like the Internet)
Have you ever caught yourself actually saying “LOL” in real life? Have you ever said “pawned” after beating your girlfriend in basketball? Have you ever tried to tape a caption to your cat? If so, then you’ve tasted only a small fraction of the pie that would be life, if real life were like the internet. But, what would life actually be like, if this were to happen?
If we were to gather every single picture of a woman that’s on the internet, what percentage would be fully clothed? My personal research tells me roughly 1%, and the vast majority of those were unclothed after a couple of clicks as well. In an internet world, this would have to carry over. While walking down the street, you’d have to actually go out of your way to find a woman wearing clothes.
Am I saying this is a bad thing? Of course not! This is first in the list because it’s probably the only good thing that would come out of an internet world; because, as we all know, the internet is evil. But, don’t worry ladies, you get yours too. A fairly large portion of men on the internet, as it turns out, are also without clothes.
You know that guy at the office who actually graduated high school? You know how he’s always a dick, acting like he knows everything about everything? Well, in an internet world, everybody would be that dick. As anyone who has ever seen the comments over at Digg knows, every single internet user thinks he’s the world’s leading expert on every topic under the sun.
You could expect, in this theoretical world of ours, to get a negative response any and every time you said something. You would not be able to order a Big Kid’s Meal at Burger King without some chef extraordinaire, who just happens to be in line behind you, pointing out the mistakes in your order; and, of course, the only way to retaliate is to point out his mistakes in return.
When was the last time you told somebody on the internet your real name? If you’re anything like every other internet surfer, your answer should be “never.” Due to the extraordinary efforts of the overachievers over at CNN, even your 60 year old father is afraid of being abducted by pedophiles. As we all know, the second you give out your name, you will be raped like a petite prisoner at San Quentin who just bent over to pick up the soap.
So, in an internet world, you can be sure you wouldn’t tell a single soul your name. Does your new wife want to know your name? Screw that noise! She can keep calling you Optimus Prime. Is your son heading off to college, and want to know who you really are? Tell him no! And when he asks why, tell him “because I said so!” Is the judge demanding your name in court? Ha! Laugh in his face, and curse him all the way to the state penitentiary.
Think about it, when was the last time you talked to your parents online? Are they your friends on Myspace? How about Facebook? Exactly, they aren’t, along with virtually everyone else’s parents. Talking to your parents, or even admitting that you have parents, online is social suicide.
Associating with your parents online should be avoided under all circumstances, even under pain of death. Acknowledging them in any way is the equivalent of somewhere between having your mom bring your anti-diarrhea medication to you in class, and having your dad accompany you and your date to the movies – while he’s dressed in drag.
Okay, I lied, there are two good things on this list; and, this one might even be better than the first (although I doubt it). When was the last time, excluding physical items, you ever paid for something on the internet? Come one, be honest, we’re all pirates here. Unless you’re the president of Sony, then your answer was probably “never.”
Free music, movies, programs, mail-order brides (if you’re resourceful enough), and so much more - it’s all there for the taking on the internet. In an internet world, jobs would be unnecessary. You would spend all day long doing things you love, without having to worry about silly things like rent, food, and the latest Harry Potter book.
There you have it: what the world would be like, IRLWLTI. Did I miss anything? Join the forum and tell me about it! Also, use the button below to donate some money, because unfortunately, real life isn’t like the internet, and I have shit to pay for.