*Author’s Note: this article is purely satire, and should not be taken seriously.
There are many times throughout our lives when we come across a person who simply deserves to die. People who, if we could get away with it, we’d gladly stab in the back. But, how can one tell when it’s really appropriate to murder, and when to just let it go? Well, that’s what I’m here to tell you. After reading this, you’ll have a clear understanding of the acceptable reasons to put another human being to death.
1. It is perfectly acceptable to kill in the name of your god. Murder in the name of religion is not only appropriate, but righteous, holy, and just. Take, for example, the Crusades, the first of which was sanctioned by none other than Pope Urban II himself. According to the Catholic Church (a prominent political party) the Pope is never wrong; so, logically, if the Pope is never wrong, then killing in the name of God must be right.
2. It is acceptable, and even expected, to kill for revenge. Let’s say your family was killed by religious fanatics, claiming to be on a mission from God, simply because they were practicing Satanists; you then have the right to murder for revenge. Not only do you have the right to kill those directly responsible, but anyone and everyone lower in the hierarchy of their organization. There are many widely recognized historical texts to support revenge as a valid claim to murder, such as Moby Dick and The Notebook.
3. If the target is a super villain, then by all means, kill with extreme prejudice. A super villain can be any of the following: a mad scientist, a mutant, an insane dictator, a high school principal, or your evil older sister. If educational videos, like Spiderman (volumes 1, 2, and 3) and The Fantastic Four (volumes 1, and 2), have taught us anything, it’s that super villains should be destroyed swiftly and mercilessly, along with any and all henchmen who accept employment from them.
4. When there is a chance they are a witch, burn them immediately. A good way to tell if the suspected is indeed a witch is to put them on a balance with a goose. If they weigh the same as the goose, then they’ll obviously float like a goose, just like wood, which burns, just like a witch. This logical means of witch identification should be enough to convince any jury that your cause was just. If, by some unfortunate chance, you do not possess a large scale, and/or a goose, then you’ll want to burn the potential witch just in case, there’s no reason to be taking chances when witches are involved.
5. If the target (which in this case can be an entire nation) may, or may not, have Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMDs for you laymen), then they must be killed immediately. Due to the extreme danger involved in such situations, it is usually best to bomb the entire area surrounding the target, just to be sure. In cases such as this, it is acceptable to commit genocide, as those responsible will most likely be foreigners, who could be hard to tell apart; so, you may need to kill them all, to make sure you get the target.
6. Hopefully these key guidelines will help you determine the eligibility of all your future homicidal ventures. You should now be able to kill whomever necessary, without fear of persecution or prosecution. And, always keep in mind: sometimes it’s simply our civic duty to commit horrible, bloody, atrocious murder.
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