Ninjas vs. Pirates: The Eternal Debate
There has been a debate among scholars for many years now, centralizing around one concept: who is better, ninjas or pirates? So, I’ve taken it upon myself to settle this debate once and for all. A point will be awarded for each topic that the ninjas or pirates win; whoever has the most points at the end of the article wins. Let the battle begin!
Who would win in a battle? Pirates are brawlers; ninjas are finely tuned killing machines. Now, many argue that the pirate would win, because he carries a pistol. But, I disagree. Even with a modern pistol, most people don’t hit their targets without pulling the trigger a few times. Add that to the fact that a pirate’s pistol only carries one shot (without having to attempt a lengthy reload), that the pistol is also highly inaccurate, and that the nature of the ninja is to be stealthy, and I’d say the chances of the pirate actually hitting the ninja are pretty low. So, the pistol is virtually obsolete.
With fire arms out of the way, our contestants are going to be fighting sword-to-sword. I have no doubt that the ninjas would win in this respect. Ninjas are lightning fast, they waste no movements, and are very precise killing machines. Pirates are very “hack-and-slash,” meaning they just kind of swing their cutlasses and hope they hit something.
The ninjas are the clear winner of this round. 1 point is awarded to the ninjas! Hai!
Ok, so ninjas might win the fight, but who looks better doing it? Well, let’s look at who’s more popular by sales. The Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy alone made over 2 billion dollars, just at the box office. While the 3 Ninjas series, which gets one more movie the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, only made about 40 million. That’s 1/50th. So, based on these figures, we can clearly see who the public likes better: pirates. Pirates get long hair, bandanas, eye patches, hooks for hands, peg legs, and if they’re really cool, a parrot. Ninjas get a black suit; good for stealth, yes, but not so good for style.
The pirates are the clear winner of this round. 1 point is awarded to the pirates! Arrrrhhh!
All pirates seem to be interested in is loot and booty (I’m sorry for that pun, but you new it was going to happen in an article involving pirates). Anyway, they don’t care about much else. They plan poorly, and usually just gamble all their loot away quickly. Ninjas always seem to be deep in thought. They contemplate their existence, and meditate often. When ninjas attack, they plan it down to every foot step. When they are not fighting, ninjas enjoy activities like walking, sitting, and playing chess: all activities that symbolize thought.
The ninjas are the clear winner of this round. 1 point is awarded to the ninjas! Hai!
Ninjas don’t seem to care about politics at all. They blindly follow any instructions given to them by their “master,” and never think about the political implications. The master wants them to kill the emperor? They do it no matter what. It doesn’t matter if the emperor is a good one, or bad one, he’s going to get assassinated.
Pirates on the other hand, are very socially conscious. They are constantly on a mission to rebel against “the man.” They see the flaws in their governments, and they fight it. Sure, it may be that they fight it by stealing from it, but they’re fighting it none the less.
On top of that, pirates form a hierarchy amongst themselves. There is a captain, a first mate, a deck hand, etc. They have a strong social structure; until, of course, it comes time for a mutiny. Ninjas don’t seem to care about their social or political standing amongst each other at all. They’re all satisfied with being “equals.”
The pirates are the clear winner of this round. 1 point is awarded to the pirates! Arrrrhhh!
Pirates seem to do very badly in relationships. They jump from woman to woman, never caring about how it makes them feel. They’re “out of town” most of the time, only ever stopping by for a night or two. And when they are around, they’re usually dirty, drunk, and only care about sex. They don’t help at all with the chores, they don’t take the kids to school, and they never fix that leaky faucet.
But, ninjas have vows of celibacy. So…
Neither the pirates, nor the ninjas get a point!
It looks like we’ve got a tie. The ninjas were better fighters, and more intelligent. The pirates dressed well, and were politically conscious. But, neither were good at maintaining relationships, so each only earned 2 points. So, who is better? It looks as if, just like mystery surrounding Tootsie Roll Pops, the world may never know.
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