Money Can’t Buy Yo- Who the Hell am I Kidding? Of Course it can!

By Ryan “Irish Red” O’Doyle

Yeah, life’s been real good to me these last couple weeks. Ever since I got that raise at the Bagel Shack I’ve really gotten a chance to kick back and enjoy the finer things in life. You know, looking back three weeks ago before the raise, I had it pretty rough. I had rent to pay, gas to put in the tank, and that bastard child I had to send checks to every month. Now, even though I still have to put up with that bullshit, I’ve been able to spurge a little on numero uno.
 
After a long day of spreading cream cheese and brewing coffee I like to head over to my neighborhood liquor store and pick up some relaxation juice. Usually it’s just half a dozen bottles of malt liquor and I’m out the door, but now that I’m a high roller I can afford to grab some imports out of that frosty cooler. It’s Corona from now on for this gringo. I’ve even started a Sam Adam’s fund that I expect to fully mature in only a couple of weeks. Now that’s going to be a night to remember!
 
I was driving to work the other morning thinking about what to do with my new found wealth when it hit me. I pulled over to the side of the road, fearing the worst for my paint job, and kept the engine running. As it turns out blood is red! It matched my car perfectly and even managed to cover up a few rust spots. It was while I was slowly putting that raccoon out of his misery for endangering me and my vehicle when I realized that my car was really, really loud. Annoyingly loud - almost as shitty sounding as a ricer. After work that day I took my wad of singles over to Midas to have the boys with the golden touch take a look. Those guys have got a gift, I’m telling you. They found the problem within thirty seconds! So now I’m cruising the streets again. You better watch out speed freaks, because this conquistador of bagels is now a proud owner of a muffler. Not only does my car run silent as the ninja but that new piece of equipment gives me an extra 25 horsepower. At least that’s what the mechanic told me.

Just because I work at a bagel/coffee joint that doesn’t mean I like to enjoy a fresh cup of java I’ve just brewed up myself. I like to stay abreast of the competition and see what the other guy is peddling. Also, for the past few years I’ve been waking up to terrible chronic headaches. I went to a doctor a few months ago and he asked me if I had a drinking problem. “Hell no,” I told him, “I don’t have a drinking problem.” Drinking is one thing I exceed in; so no, that can’t be the hold up. I’ve been getting rid of these aches by sneaking into the Holiday Inn and grabbing a cup of coffee from their complimentary continental breakfast. To be honest I’ve always felt a little scummy stealing coffee from a hotel. Now that I’ve got Washingtons and Lincolns coming out of my g-string like a stripper on $10 lap dance night I can afford to give the good men and women serving that breakfast a nice tip for the service – and also for not calling the cops.
 
Sometimes it takes a nice fat twenty-five cent raise for a man to really start appreciating what he’s got. And what he hasn’t, like Chlamydia or an extra nose. You have to take things in perspective and realize life’s going to be ok, even if you still do have to send a monthly check to that whore who took your bastard child and left you for that black jack and pot dealing asshole in the next state over. It’s time for some more R and R, you need anything from the liquor store? My treat, I’m learning to share the wealth.

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