How to Blow a Smoke Ring
The ability to blow a smoke ring is widely considered to be the sexiest of all skills. Whether you’re at a bar, church, or the cancer ward at your local hospital, blowing a smoke ring is the surest way to get the positive attention you crave. It will, to use an already overused cliché, make women want to be with you, and men want to be you. So, in a highly charitable move on my part, I have decided to provide you with a handy guide to this mysterious art.
At first glance, this step may seem obvious; but, the nuances of the smoke ring are many, and the cigarette you smoke is a factor. Menthol cigarettes are optimal, and the preferred brand of professionals is Newport. This is because of the thick smoke, minty aroma, and classy package.
If you’re Hugh Hefner, and there are no police around, you may substitute a Cuban cigar in place of the Newport. Actually, scratch that. If you’re Hugh Hefner, you may use a Cuban cigar regardless of any nearby officers, as you will be able to bribe them with one of your many Playboy models.
Again, this is step that may seem obvious; but, I’m the one giving the instructions. And, if you already knew how to blow a smoke ring you wouldn’t be reading this; so just follow my instructions, and stop complaining.
Anyway, you need to inhale a nice big gulp of smoke, but don’t inhale it all of the way into your lungs. You want to get the smoke just to the back of your throat. A good way to imagine this is to think about how much a pansy who has never smoked before would inhale.
This is where it starts getting complicated. You need to pull your lips into a tight “O” shape. The best way I can describe this is to make the “O” face the annoying coworker in Office Space made in reference to an orgasm. Speaking of, does anybody actually make that face when experiencing an orgasm? It seems very odd.
Okay, this is where most of you are going to fail, and end up hating yourself. Because of the tendency of society to outcast those who try to blow smoke rings and fail, I urge you to go ahead and give up here. Giving up is much more acceptable than failing.
If you’ve decided you want to go all the way, then you’ll have to perform two tasks simultaneously. You must exhale a good sized puff of smoke and at the same time purse your lips into a slightly tighter “O.” The best way to do this is to make a short and shallow “sigh” noise, while moving your lower jaw up slightly.
After a few years of intense training, you will inevitably master the basic ring, and want learn some more specialized techniques. There are a few commonly used show-stoppers, such as blowing one smoke ring through another, and the ever popular smoke ship (as perfected by Gandalf in his pre-white wizard days). You can perform most of these variations by simply increasing the pressure of your “sigh” and the tightness of your “O.” Experimentation with smoke rings, like crack in college, is paramount to your success; not only in the bedroom, but also in life.
Hopefully this tutorial has enlightened you. You should now be one of the lucky few who can perform a feat that not only impresses, but seduces all those within your vicinity. Until recently, this was a skill known only to monks and missionaries, but now this ancient technique is available to all. If, however, you were one of the many who failed, I urge you to consider joining our forum to receive psychiatric counseling from one of our many highly qualified members.
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