Smoking Is Cool

As anyone who smokes cigarettes can tell you, smoking is cool. It has been scientifically proven that for every cigarette you smoke, one more person will think you’re the coolest person on the planet. Now, some wet blankets will try and tell you that destroying your lungs and constantly smelling bad is most definitely uncool, but that’s just because they don’t smoke, and are therefore bitter losers.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that smoking has made me possibly the coolest person I know. Every time I don my leather jacket, and lean nonchalantly against my motorcycle, while lighting my Camel Filters™, I immediately have at least 6 blonde bisexual girls try and force sex upon me. Of course, being the modestly cool smoker that I am, I always politely decline.

 

Why does smoking make you so cool? Well, that’s pretty simple. The answer is James Dean. Have you ever seen a cooler cat then the original Rebel Without a Cause? I mean, come on, the guy is just bad-ass. Would he have been as cool if he didn’t constantly have a cigarette perched between his rough, weathered lips? Maybe, but why risk it?

 

So, now that we’ve established the need to smoke as a requirement of coolness, you may be thinking “What if I don’t like it? What if I can’t afford it? And, most importantly, what if I’m not old enough to buy cigarettes, or what if my parents catch me?” Those are all good questions, and there is a wonderful answer for each. To answer your first, it doesn’t matter if you enjoy the harsh, unnatural feeling of smoke entering your lungs, because chances are you’ll quickly become addicted, and you won’t be able to quit even if you wanted to. And, don’t worry about being able to pay for them; once you become addicted, you’ll gladly sell your first born into slavery to finance your lovely habit. Also, don’t worry about the legality of buying your cancer sticks if you’re a minor, there are plenty of friendly homeless men who will gladly buy you some in exchange for a week-old hamburger. When, and believe me, it will happen, your parents catch you, simply blame Joe Camel™! Not only will you be off the hook, but you’ll also get a nice settlement when your loving parents sue the Camel Corporation for everything they’ve got.

 

"But,” you’re now probably asking, “what about all these rumors of health risks I’ve been hearing about?” Exactly, rumors, that’s all it is, rumors and conjecture. There is no proven correlation between smoking and “cancer,” or “emphysema” (diseases that sound like they were probably made up anyway). If there was really a health risk associated with smoking cigarettes, wouldn’t the Surgeon General require some sort of warning to be put on every pack of cigarettes? All of those television commercials you may have seen spouting statistics left and right are simply propaganda produced to drive sales of anti-smoking aids such as Nicorette chewing gum.

 

So, pick up a pack of cigarettes, and smoke your way into the blissful ignorance only a de-habilitating addiction can provide. You’ll hardly notice your lack of breath while you happily fornicate with hundreds of willing young vixens.

 

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