Spiders Are Evil
As you may have noticed, the picture above is not of a spider. Now, normally the pictures at the top of my articles are the best symbolization of the subject that I can find, but not this one. Why? Because, spiders scare the living hell out of me, and there is no way I’m going to be looking at pictures of them. So, instead you get a picture of a bunny with a pancake on his head. On to the point: why are spiders so very, very evil?
Why do they need so many damn legs? Huh? Give me one good reason! Yes, I know, a bunch of you yelled the reason at your monitor: they need to be able to navigate their webs. But, I believe there could have been another way, out of all the possible configurations, why did God (or evolution if you prefer) choose the eight-leg setup?
The theory is that spiders have so many eyes, so as to see what’s taking place all around. Meaning, the can see what’s going on in front of them, behind them, to the left, to the right, etc. Do they really need that many? Humans have two, and we do just fine.
On top of the fact that webs are very sticky, and almost impossible to get completely off of your body, there’s also very hard to see. You’ll be walking down the sidewalk, minding your own business, and then it happens: you feel the strands across the bridge of your nose, and your arms. So, if you’re anything like me, you freak out. You start running around waving you hands in around, rolling on the ground, and jumping into rivers; All of this in an attempt to get the web, and therefore the spider, off of you. This brings me to my next point.
As made obvious in the previous topic, simply walking into a web can cause even the most reserved of people to break into hysterical fits. This is because spiders, being the evil bastards they are, have the power of humiliation. They take pride in causing you as much physical, mental, and social discomfort as possible. For example, when I was about ten years old, there was a pair of spiders sitting in the corners of my shower. Because of this, I did not take a shower for a week, causing me much embarrassment among my peers at school.
In addition to having the power of humiliation, spiders are also masters of staying out of sight. Like the ninja, the spider stalks you in your own home, dodging out of sight whenever you glance its way. They dangle perilously over your head, as you walk past, completely oblivious. They sit, they wait, and they plan for the perfect opportunity to strike.
While spiders are not technically insects, they’re close enough. And insects just shouldn’t get that big. The worlds largest spider, the goliath bird-eating spider (it’s named that because it actually eats birds), can grow to be up to a foot across. That’s monstrous! That’s bigger than my cat, a mammal, and that’s just wrong.
This is one of the lesser known facts about spiders, but they are actually born of hell. That’s right, spiders are, in the literal sense, evil. Their only mission on earth is to spread terror and fright, and cause havoc and mayhem.
Don’t believe me? Do you believe a single spider could kill dozens of people? Let me tell you a story. Jerry was on his way to work one morning, and doing his regular routine: grumbling incoherent objections at the talk radio show playing through his stereo. But then, all of the sudden, as he was pulling down his visor to block the sun, out drops a spider. Jerry, like myself, was deathly afraid of spiders, and this one was as big as his palm. So, Jerry did what anybody spider-fearing man would do, he freaked out. While going 80mph on the highway, Jerry hit a guard rail, bounced off of that, and back into traffic. Long story short, this caused a massive pile-up, killing dozens.
Of course, to be fair, I just completely made that story up, but I’m pretty sure it could happen.
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