Written by forum member G. Lucifer
This is not a review of the movie “The Ten Commandments,” it is a review of the actual Ten Commandments. Yes, the ones in the Bible.
One day, being the religious zealot that I’m not, I got to thinking about God. Man, isn’t God awesome? I must say, He’s the best God I’ve ever had! Hahahah-
Seriously though, all those other Gods are pussies.
*Ahem* Anyways, back on track. I got to thinking about God and those Ten sacred rules He set for all of mankind to follow, after I saw them written on the back of a plastic coin. I guess plastic coins are the new stone tablets. So, I was thinking about them, and I thought: man, God sure had something going there. I wasn’t sure what, but I realized that, whatever He did have that was going there, it could have actually used a little work. So I set out to go over them, and review them, to see if they were at their very best as the rules of God.
Keep in mind that these rules were written on the back of a coin. So they may have been shortened to fit and I can’t be bothered to look on the Internet for the real versions. I mean, do you know how long that would take? I’m sorry, but I just can’t afford to waste those seconds.
God’s first rule, and it’s a good first rule, as first good rules go. It makes sense. No person should have other gods before the real God. It keeps the little people in check, to make sure He’s always top dog. But, He didn’t cover all of his bases too well. I mean, sure, you won’t have other Gods before Him, but what about after Him? Did He bother to think about that? Sure, He could be at the top, but having competition just below Him isn’t very good - at least for God. He’s not running a business*, He needs absolutely no competitors. He may not think much of those underdogs, but as most movies show, they can catch up easily, and beat the leading champion. As long as He allows others to have gods below him, they could easily take His place, with some sort of coup d'état. Which could take place as a religious meeting that offers man a whole new perspective, that he never saw before; or a drastic event in his life, such as a death, that made him rethink his faith; or someone offering free food if he changes his religion. All of those things are very serious matters.
The best thing for God to do is to change this rule, and make it so that if anyone so much as thinks about a new god, they will burn forever in hell, doomed to be tortured for eternity! Everyone wins!
*I wonder what kind of business God would run? I’d like to think He’d sell spiffy hats. But, not to Jews...
...Because of their yarmulkes you racists.
Gods second rule, and an okay rule, as second rules go. But, this one is a little ambiguous. Most people get that He’s saying not make any figure to be a figure of worship. Okay, a little redundant after the first rule, but it makes sense. It does add to the first rule, going so far as to making any idol - including ones of God Himself - wrong in his eyes. To this, I have one thing to say:
What the fuck, God?
I understand not making idols for any other gods out there, but come on God, why no idols for yourself? You’ve certainly worked hard enough; why not enjoy a little bit of idol worship? Assuming the idols are, in fact, of you. Just picture it, God: a gigantic, shining golden statue of you, in all of your beauty, 3 or 4 stories tall - punching Satan in the neck.
No? How about a different, equally giant and equally golden statue, of you banishing infidels to hell? Just you, standing on this rock - a magnificent golden rock - laughing at tortured souls as they descend into the fiery pits of hell! I think that would be a rather good statue, one worthy of worship for you, God. Let me know if I can think up some more ideas for you. I had this other idea with you and the Virgin Mary... Well, never mind, I’ll tell you about it later.
This is similar to the rule above, in that it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Why wouldn’t God want people to use His name in vain? It shows they are thinking about him, always. They have him in their minds when they stub their toe, when they fail a test, and when they get hit by a bus. It shows they care.
Now, of course, some people go overboard and use it for every little thing, when they don’t even mean it. Some people use it whenever they feel like it, with no emotion behind it, no deeper meaning. Some people use it, well, just to use it. Some people like me. But, but I’m sure there are others! Right?
Um, well anyways, most people aren’t like that. They have meaning behind it, whether it’s because they're angry, mad, disappointed, peeved, enraged, disgruntl-
Okay, I get it, do not use the Lord’s name in vain. Good call, God! *gunfingers God*
This is a short rule, and it suffers because of that. How are you supposed to get any meaning from four words? It can’t be done. It’s too vague. Does He mean to honor the day of Sabbath, which is either Saturday or Sunday (who really cares?) every week, just the one “Sabbath Day?” Does He mean just remember it - but not actually do anything about it? Or, does He want you to remember the days of Black Sabbath?
See my predicament? I mean, how am I supposed to remember all the days of Black Sabbath? They have so many different kinds of day, and they’re all great, how am I supposed to pick?
What? Honor the Sabbath every week? No, that can’t be right. Do you know how inefficient that is? I can’t just rest every Saturday or Sunday. I could be doing other, more important tasks! Such as going to work, cleaning the garage, or catching up on The Office. Man, isn’t that Steve Carell a wacky character?
So, remember the Sabbath Day. As the day to catch up on The Office. I’m sure it’s what God wants anyways.
I like this one. It shows that God cares about those that choose to bring life into this world. That He truly loves those who are willing to take the effort to create something out of nothing. That He believes in them, and that they should deserve the ultimate respect.
They shouldn’t if they’re complete assholes, though.
I mean, who the hell takes away my Playstation just because I failed 5 classes? What is up with that? It’s just 5 classes. I can make those up later; they weren’t important classes like lunch and after school. I mean what the hell? Who do they think they are?
Murder is bad.
A good idea on paper, but this one is a bit unfair. There are plenty of people living out there who are in love with someone else’s spouse! Why must they be punished for it?
And, it’s not like they can do anything else about it, their hands are tied by the previous commandment. So, what’s the only logical choice? Have sex while their significant other is out! But this commandment forbids it, for some reason I have yet to figure out.
How is love supposed to prevail? No one wants to go through a messy divorce, they’ll just lose all the stuff they could be sharing with their new love! Like their house, car, or brand new hot tub with water jets.
You know what I’m talking about.
So, though it’s a bit understandable why He would do this, it just doesn’t work in real life. Why must He hinder the blossoming love lives of young, slutty couples?
Again, a good idea, but sometimes there are extenuating circumstances. What about the woman too poor to afford food, but who must feed her family? Or, the Father who can’t keep a roof over his children’s heads? Or, the guy who really, really wants something?
These aren’t people God can just ignore. They are living, breathing people who deserve that stuff. It’s not fair that they live life without food, shelter, or Xbox 360s just because stealing is “bad.”
I, for one, think He should have thought about other situations that present themselves to people, that make them feel the need to steal. For real.
(Man, I really want that Xbox 360)
Lying is what keeps us all sane. You know it’s true, liars know it’s true, truthers know it’s true (even though they’re really lying about truthing), and I’m sure God knew, deep down, that it was true. I can understand that he had to make such a rule, as His boss probably doesn’t allow a lot of wiggle room, but He could have tried to make it a bit more lenient.
The fact is, if we were all forced to tell the truth all the time, everyone would hate everyone else, even more so than we already do. You’d have to tell your friend that his song really sucked, or your other friend that he’s no where near as funny as he thinks, or your girlfriend that no, you didn’t actually put on a condom. Face it, we lie to keep ourselves alive.
Think Liar Liar, except not funny and more getting kicked in the crotch. Actually, just make that more getting kicked in the crotch.
I think there was something about "thy neighbor’s wife," but remember, this was written on the back of a coin.
This last rule is a bad last rule, as last rules go. I mean, how can one not covet? I covet all the time. In fact, I’d be hard-pressed to find a time where I am not coveting, or have not coveted earlier that day. How is it possible for one not to covet?
What the hell does "covet" mean anyway? I’m a little unsure, but I’m fairly certain it means masturbate. It certainly makes sense with the "thy neighbor’s wife" part.
(15 seconds later)
Well, I looked it up, and apparently it means to desire something, like envy. Boy, did I have it wrong!
Well, He says coveting (haha, it sounds funny) is wrong, which I just can’t agree with. Sure, overly coveting (hehe) can be - and probably is - wrong, as it makes everything difficult.
However, if you can control it, and learn from it, it could do you some good. Maybe you want some shiny new gadget your coworker has. Well, you better work your ass off so you can afford it. Maybe you wish you could play guitar like nobody’s business. Well start practicing, and just maybe you’ll get there. Coveting can fuel you to do better in life. So while it’s okay to covet, don’t covet too much, or you could end up just hurting yourself (teehee).
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