If you read my articles regularly, you may have noticed the lack of new content this past week. There are a few reasons for this, including: until two days ago I was homeless, I was recovering from painful penis-reduction surgery, and I have had a very serious case of writer’s block. Then it came to me. I was sitting on my couch, brainstorming desperately for a topic to write about, and realized I could write about my lack of having something to write about – fun!
But, then a problem arose. I realized that people don’t like to hear about the whining of an unsuccessful writer. As it turns out, people only like to hear the whining of successful people like Lindsey Lohan and Kevin Federline. I’m not positive, but I’m fairly certain this is because their problems are more important. I mean, think about it; Lindsey Lohan has had to go to rehab! And, Kevin Federline had to marry and impregnate Britney Spears – just to make a living!
So, after coming to terms with the fact that my problems matter little to the general population, I realized I could trick my readers into listening my problems. Using my superior intellect, I came up with a grand scheme: if I simply talked about my life-crippling problems in the general sense, and not specific to me, people would actually read it! All I had to do was talk about my problems as if they were universal, and people would think I was discussing an important issue, rather than rambling about a personal one.
For example: if you were to pick up a newspaper, and see the headline “My Ford Explorer Sucks,” would you read it? I didn’t think so. But, through a simple rewording, you could turn that headline into this one: “Ford Explorers Prove to Be Unreliable.” Now that’s a story people will read; yet the point of the article is unchanged. The only difference is that the first one applies only to the author, while the second affects anyone who owns a Ford Explorer.
But, like all solutions, this one had a hole in it. How could I write an article about writer’s block while still upholding my persona of being a superior writer? My competition consists of some very talented writers, including David Wong, Edgar Allen Poe, and Pamela Anderson. No, I’m not kidding. She seriously wrote a book. I couldn’t make that shit up.
That was the question floating around in my (enormous) brain as I fell asleep on my friend’s couch in my bed last night. Then, in the night, an epiphany came to me in a dream. I was sitting in a dark, empty room, when Azazel, the Angel of Superiority, appeared. As he appeared, the room instantly turned a bright white, and I swear I could hear a choir singing “Hallelujah” in the distance.
Being as fearless and courageous as I am, I did not hide or cower. I walked confidently up to Azazel, and demanded to know what the hell he was doing in my dream. I told him I was enjoying a perfectly good sit in my nice dark room, when he walked in and ruined everything. I proceeded to inform him that his impoliteness would not go unpunished, and that I’d have to kick his ass if he didn’t leave immediately. Then, he said this: “Cameron, I am here to help you, why do you reject me so quickly?”
At first I was a little surprised that this bastard spoke English, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. So, instead, I responded with “What could you possibly help me with? I’m perfect!”
“Ah, ‘tis true that you words are like sweet honey to the orphans of Ethiopia. But,” he said, “you fail to establish that in your writing. As far as your readers know, you’re a modest man.”
“Listen jackass,” I replied, “I’m modest because nobody likes listening to self-important assholes.”
“Yes, that is a common misconception among the elite like you. In reality, people like to have their feelings of inadequacy reinforced by those they idolize.
“For example: did you ever get a response from those hundreds of letters you sent Brad Pitt, confessing your love for him? No, you didn’t. Yet you continue to send them, even to this day. This is because his complete ignorance of you reaffirms his superiority, which in turn makes you love him even more.”
“Okay ass-pirate, I don’t know how you found out about those letters, but I don’t see how that’s relevant to my current predicament. And, I definitely don’t see how you’re helping at all. If you don’t come up with something quick, I’m going to be inclined to go Sith Lord on your ugly ass.”
“No need to get hasty young grasshopper, the answers will come in time. You see, the letters are the key. You must become Brad Pitt to your readers. You must gain their love, and then reject it!”
“But, how can I become Brad Pitt? Sure, rejecting love is easy; I do it all the time. But, how can I possibly emulate the greatness that is Brad? The glory of his chiseled abs alone makes me squint!”
“It is easier than you think young one. Tell me, besides talent, looks, fame, and fortune, what does Mr. Pitt have that you do not?”
“Well… Angelina Jolie I guess. Oh, wait, I know! It’s confidence, right?”
“Now you’re learning! You see, I once had this very same conversation with Mr. Pitt, back when he was a struggling actor, giving blow-jobs to producers for roles in Pringles commercials. He idolized the great James Dean, who in turn idolized the talented Gary Cooper.
“It wasn’t until I told him the secret of confidence that his career finally soared. Since that point he has only become more famous, and more successful.”
“So you’re saying that all I have to do is act like I’m great writer, and people will think I'm a great writer?”
“Yes, yes! But you mustn’t stop there; you have to let that confidence spill over into all aspects of your life. You must act as if you’re not only a great writer, but a great person! Always act as if you’re the best artist, musician, philosopher, scientist, politician, and lover on the planet.”
“I understand Azazel, I understand! Thank you!”
“No Cameron, thank you. Goodbye my friend!”
“But, wait! Will I ever see you again?”
“Only in your memories Cameron, only in your memories.”
And, at the very moment, I woke up. It was only a dream, but it was so vivid. I had to follow Azazel’s advice! Not only to overcome my writer’s block, but to gains hordes of adoring fans. So, I let my arrogance and ADD take over, and this 1,169 word nonsensical ramble was the result. Be sure to visit the forum, and tell me how much you love me; that way I can ignore you, and fuel the fire of your love that much more.